Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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