WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
