Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
