If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
