Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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