wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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