i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
