my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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