sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
