I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
