Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he fucked my hip out of place.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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