Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
