mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
