I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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