I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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