wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
