i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
