There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
