Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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