its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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