I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
