Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
