Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Someone came in the potted fern
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
