If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
