The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
