Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
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oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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