I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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