i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
