I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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