My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
