when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
