i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm at about main and main street
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
