I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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