last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
