Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
