I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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