does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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