Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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