Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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