He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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