i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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