I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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