Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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