You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's just like the Real World with babies
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
