Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
