took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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