If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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