Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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