i just wanna soil my oats bro
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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