he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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