So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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