apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize