He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
