I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
