I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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