so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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