we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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