next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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