My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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