If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
